Many of us are wired to run from conflict and see it as something that should be avoided at all costs. If that’s true, we will spend our day running from everything we encounter because we are surrounded by conflict. That’s why we end our day exhausted. The first way to tame the Conflict Beast is to see it differently; not as this eight hundred-pound gorilla, but something more manageable.
In my book, Thriving in Conflict: How to Build a Robust Culture of Feedback, conflict is redefined as a gap, “A gap between what we expect and what we experience that can lead to deeper understanding and ultimately better results.” If we can see the gap, we can see conflict for what it is and not a beast waiting to pounce on us at every turn. If we can step into that gap, we can have a deeper understanding by both parties, and ultimately, dealing with conflicts leads to better results.
Our tendency is to see conflict as a person, the definition I offer here focuses us, not on the person, but on the problem. Toto Wolff, the very successful team principal for the Mercedes Formula 1 race team, said “We have a culture where we blame the problem not the person” (Toto, I’m sorry I paraphrased a little).